What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

Tagged: Weddings RSS

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  Prime 2:10 am on May 27, 2009 Permalink
  Tags: archaic institutions, laserbeak, mind control, tron, Weddings   

  Unwelcome Reception 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My husband and I have attended several weddings lately where we have waited up to an hour and a half for the bride and groom to arrive at their own reception. Can you enlighten me because, frankly, I am … ONE CONFUSED GUEST, LEWIS CENTER, OHIO

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: (ONE CONFUSED GUEST, LEWIS CENTER, OHIO)
  I am not surprised you are confused about wedding etiquette, because frankly, you are a moron. Why are you putting so much stock into a busted institution when there are so many problems in the world? How about you stop thinking about your stupid little taffeta dress, your matching shoes, and whatever else you do to try to cover up the lumpy nodule you call a body (in my opinion, the human pictured is the only one with any fashion sense), and worry about the fact you’re watching two human beings throw their lives away on an institution that has never made sense? How about that? I need to go shoot something.

  [A NOTE FROM OPTIMUS: Wow, sorry about that above post. We recently found out Megatron sent Laserbeak to scramble my neural circuits in an attempt to sabotage my column. I am leaving the post as I originally wrote it to show Megatron he cannot hope to disrupt me. Also, I agree with the overall sentiment, if not the wording.]
  END TRANSMISSION

  See Megatron’s Answer
  See Dear Abby’s Answer

   
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  Prime 6:31 pm on March 27, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Armageddon, Ben Affleck, Gay Marriage (2), Michael Bay, Weddings   

  Restroom Love 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I am in a very awkward situation. I was married last week and am very happy with my new husband, “Ralph.” However, when people ask, “Where did you two meet?” that’s when the glamour shatters. Ralph and I met in a public restroom in a very rundown area that we happened to be vacationing in. Should I just tell them the town? — NEWLYWED IN THE BATHROOM

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (NEWLYWED IN THE BATHROOM)

  I have a situation that is 23.747% similar. When I first met Michael Bay, he mentioned that he created Armageddon. I thought he meant the Interstellar Armageddon of Planet BX12 which destroyed the entire known population of sentient bananas in the universe. I brought him 20,000 light years to stand before an intergalactic tribune before he convinced me that he only created Armageddon…the Movie. Talk about awkward.

  I really do miss those fun loving bananas.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   

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  Prime 9:37 pm on March 6, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Controlling the Weather, Jazz (4), Robot Lovemaking (2), Weddings   

  More Robot Wedding Advice 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I live with a close friend. Recently a person who knows us both sent out invitations to his wedding. I received one; my housemate did not. Further, there is no “and guest” indicated on my invitation. I feel very uncomfortable about it — and more than a little miffed. What do you think? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK)

  I am a little surprised that you care. From my statistical research into weddings, the odds of your friends becoming divorced are about the same as Megatron attempting to create a machine that can control the weather, which is to say, quite a common occurrence. Marriages are faulty. The only exception to this claim to this is Jazz and Bumblebee. They will stay married forever. Because they are robots.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 9:47 pm on February 20, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Gay Marriage (2), Ironhide (2), Jazz (4), Pedophilia, Saved By The Bell, Weddings   

  Creepy Knee Touching Dads 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: When my father and I are in his car and he’s taking me somewhere, he tries to scare me by touching my knee and saying, “BOO!” I have told him I don’t like it and asked him not to do it anymore, but he keeps on doing it. He thinks it’s funny, but I don’t. Am I overreacting? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH, ILL.

  
  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH)

  Do you think I wasn’t scared when Megatron blasted me in the chest? Do you think I wasn’t scared when I caught Ironhide huffing Energon while watching Saved by The Bell? Do you think I wasn’t scared when Jazz and Bumblebee announced that they were getting married?

  Well, I wasn’t scared. Because I never had that chip installed.

  So just be like me.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 9:45 pm on February 12, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Divorce (5), Insecticons, Robot Lovemaking (2), Sparkplug (3), Spike (4), Toasters (2), Weddings   

  The Marriage Reloaded 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My fiance, “Thornton,” and I are being married in two months. This is a second (and final) marriage for both of us. We dated for several years and went to counseling so that this marriage would last and our love would stay strong. We both have children from our first marriages who are excited about the wedding. Thornton and I are in disagreement, however, about whether or not to invite our ex-spouses — although we remain friendly with them. Please tell me the appropriate thing to do. — ABOUT TO BE WED IN HOUSTON

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (ABOUT TO BE WED)

  I will never understand you humans – you are more confusing than Transformers continuity. Generation 1, Generation 2, Optimus Primal, Japanese Headmasters, the Spike/Sparkplug controversy? How about this? I don’t care. Invite your ex-spouses, your ex-lovers, that toaster you slept with because you couldn’t stand to be alone for one more minute. I could care less. I’m going to dent my crotch against a Mack truck.

  END TRANSMISSION

  [Update: I apologize for the last post. My circuits were scrambled after a tiff with the Insecticons. They have been realigned]

   
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  Prime 2:32 pm on December 31, 2006 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Incompatible Religions, Jazz (4), Meddling Mother-In-Laws (2), Toasters (2), Weddings   

  Love is Electrical 

  DEAR OPTIMUS:

  I am engaged to be married. The problem is that “Todd” and I come from different religions. I’m a Catholic and he is a Baptist. Todd refuses to even consider being married in a Catholic church and, because he won’t, I won’t get married in his. I really want a church wedding, and my mother doesn’t want me to be married in any other church.

  So, what do I do to get my perfect wedding?

  - Confused in Kentucky

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY)

  I had a similar conflict when Megatron reprogrammed our rechargers causing us to become evil. Luckily, Jazz and Bumblebee do not recharge, so that they were able to return us to our original settings in time to stop Megatron from stealing a solar-powered satellite. “Todd”, has most likely had his settings tampered with. Have a technically-oriented human friend create an Attitude Exchanger, which will cause him to revert back to the “Todd” you fell in love with. If an Attitude Exchanger is unavailable, drop a toaster into his bath — this should reverse his polarity.

  END TRANSMISSION