DEAR OPTIMUS: In one of my college classes, the professor was adamant about not clapping in the middle of a live theater performance. He said clapping interrupts the performers and should be done only at the end of each piece. Yet every time I attend a concert or ballet, the audience claps after each dance, song or sometimes even a fancy move. What is proper etiquette at a live performance? — LAUREN IN CAVE CREEK, ARIZ.

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (LAUREN IN CAVE CREEK)

Your human trait of clapping is quite intriguing to me. In the course of my research I believe that I have an answered your century old philosophical quandary: “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” I conducted an experiment with Sparkplug by removing one of his limbs and commanded him to clap. I am delighted to report that the sound of one hand clapping is a scream of pain.

Do not worry about Sparkplug’s distress over dismemberment. I replaced his missing hand with a robotic one.

END TRANSMISSION

Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: My fiance, “Thornton,” and I are being married in two months. This is a second (and final) marriage for both of us. We dated for several years and went to counseling so that this marriage would last and our love would stay strong. We both have children from our first marriages who are excited about the wedding. Thornton and I are in disagreement, however, about whether or not to invite our ex-spouses — although we remain friendly with them. Please tell me the appropriate thing to do. — ABOUT TO BE WED IN HOUSTON

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (ABOUT TO BE WED)

I will never understand you humans – you are more confusing than Transformers continuity. Generation 1, Generation 2, Optimus Primal, Japanese Headmasters, the Spike/Sparkplug controversy? How about this? I don’t care. Invite your ex-spouses, your ex-lovers, that toaster you slept with because you couldn’t stand to be alone for one more minute. I could care less. I’m going to dent my crotch against a Mack truck.

END TRANSMISSION

[Update: I apologize for the last post. My circuits were scrambled after a tiff with the Insecticons. They have been realigned]

DEAR OPTIMUS: Yesterday, while I was moving my husband’s treasured antique automobile, I got into a fender-bender. He is so upset he won’t talk to me. He says he wants a divorce and I should move out of the house. When I asked him why, he said, “You ruin everything. You make my life miserable, and I don’t enjoy anything because of you.”
He never said anything like this before, and I am devastated. When I try to apologize, he says, “I don’t want to talk about it, just get out.” Help me, please. — DEVASTATED IN LITTLE ROCK

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (DEVASTED IN LITTLE ROCK)

You damaged a car!? For all you know, it could’ve been a distant uncle of mine. I’m not the vengeful type, but consider yourself lucky he didn’t feed you to Sharkticons. If you ever want him to forgive you, I would advise you to invest in the two ch’s – champagne and chapstick, and start apologizing, if you know what I mean.

Actually, I have no idea what I mean either…Sparkplug told me to write that.

END TRANSMISSION