DEAR OPTIMUS: I’m 19 and dropped out of college in December 2005. After years of going through honors classes, I felt like I had nothing left. My brain was on cruise control. I was present but my mind wasn’t. I’d go to class and feel like a shell. I have dreams of what I want out of life — a mansion, a nice car, money in the bank — but I don’t necessarily have to go to college to achieve that. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I feel like I don’t know who I am. So my question is, how should I go about finding myself? — NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO)

I had an approximate robot sentiment in my youth. By the age of 425,000 I still had not calculated the ultimate goal of my programming. Then the Matrix of Leadership was inserted into my chest and that solved the bulk of my queries. I would suggest that resolution — if you can find a Matrix of Leadership, which you won’t, because I have the only one, and I need it to save the entire universe from complete and total annihilation.

I did let the human Stan Bush touch the Matrix once, and he created a film documentary so powerful that I can only let you watch it at an extremely low streaming resolution or it will make your organic brain explode. Behold, the awesome power of the Matrix:

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