Can You Hear Me Now? Because I’m Leaving You
DEAR OPTIMUS: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand. Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Optimus, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid. I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? — FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.
BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FURIOUS IN DAYTON)
You are being unreasonable. I have learned that male humans are genetically programmed to plant their seed into as many female receptacles as possible. This appears to be a biological imperative. You should also commend your husband on adding this woman to your cellular telephone family plan. This will free up monetary funds that can be utilized for ball-type games and orthodontics that his new children will require.
UPDATE: I can not overstate the financial acumen that your husband possesses regarding the Family Plan. I have just received my latest cell phone bill via the Interweb. It appears as if Jazz frequently calls a charge number entitled 1-900-SHE-MALE. He assured me that this is research for a Decepticon plot. It is quite costly, but if not getting my monthly oil change means stopping Megatron, than I will gladly pay this extraordinarily expensive bill.
This is the price we pay for freedom.
END TRANSMISSION