What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

Tagged: Logic RSS

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  Prime 5:00 am on April 2, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Logic, Matrix of Leadership, Stan Bush (2), Teenagers   

  I Feel Empty Inside 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I’m 19 and dropped out of college in December 2005. After years of going through honors classes, I felt like I had nothing left. My brain was on cruise control. I was present but my mind wasn’t. I’d go to class and feel like a shell. I have dreams of what I want out of life — a mansion, a nice car, money in the bank — but I don’t necessarily have to go to college to achieve that. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I feel like I don’t know who I am. So my question is, how should I go about finding myself? — NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO)

  I had an approximate robot sentiment in my youth. By the age of 425,000 I still had not calculated the ultimate goal of my programming. Then the Matrix of Leadership was inserted into my chest and that solved the bulk of my queries. I would suggest that resolution — if you can find a Matrix of Leadership, which you won’t, because I have the only one, and I need it to save the entire universe from complete and total annihilation.

  I did let the human Stan Bush touch the Matrix once, and he created a film documentary so powerful that I can only let you watch it at an extremely low streaming resolution or it will make your organic brain explode. Behold, the awesome power of the Matrix:

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   

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  Prime 10:25 pm on February 22, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Insecure Humans (2), Logic, Mating   

  Cockteasing Craig 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I have a friend, “Craig,” whom I have known almost a year. We have become closer than friends in a lot of ways — except the one way that counts, if you know what I mean. Craig likes to tease me about sex, but says it will never happen because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. Do you think it’s fair for him to arouse me and then just run out the door? Craig says he doesn’t want me, but when I go out on dates with other people he gets mad. How should I handle this? — IRRITATED IN GEORGIA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (IRRITATED IN GEORGIA)

  I actually do not know “the one way that counts,” but I see that later in your question that you mean “the one way that counts” to be sex. I am registering a confusion pattern as to why you just didn’t say sex in the first place instead of using additional binary characters to lose me in a circular logic loop. If you can’t ask a simple question, don’t expect an answer from Optimus Prime.

  END TRANSMISSION