What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

Tagged: Jazz RSS

• 

  Prime 9:37 pm on March 6, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Controlling the Weather, Jazz, Robot Lovemaking (2), Weddings (6)   

  More Robot Wedding Advice 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I live with a close friend. Recently a person who knows us both sent out invitations to his wedding. I received one; my housemate did not. Further, there is no “and guest” indicated on my invitation. I feel very uncomfortable about it — and more than a little miffed. What do you think? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK)

  I am a little surprised that you care. From my statistical research into weddings, the odds of your friends becoming divorced are about the same as Megatron attempting to create a machine that can control the weather, which is to say, quite a common occurrence. Marriages are faulty. The only exception to this claim to this is Jazz and Bumblebee. They will stay married forever. Because they are robots.

  END TRANSMISSION

   

  Reply Click here to cancel reply.

  You must be logged in to post a comment.

• 

  Prime 9:47 pm on February 20, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Gay Marriage (2), Ironhide (2), Jazz, Pedophilia, Saved By The Bell, Weddings (6)   

  Creepy Knee Touching Dads 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: When my father and I are in his car and he’s taking me somewhere, he tries to scare me by touching my knee and saying, “BOO!” I have told him I don’t like it and asked him not to do it anymore, but he keeps on doing it. He thinks it’s funny, but I don’t. Am I overreacting? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH, ILL.

  
  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH)

  Do you think I wasn’t scared when Megatron blasted me in the chest? Do you think I wasn’t scared when I caught Ironhide huffing Energon while watching Saved by The Bell? Do you think I wasn’t scared when Jazz and Bumblebee announced that they were getting married?

  Well, I wasn’t scared. Because I never had that chip installed.

  So just be like me.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
• 

  Prime 10:23 pm on February 6, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Cheating, Divorce (5), Jazz, Lousy Mothers   

  Can You Hear Me Now? Because I’m Leaving You 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand. Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Optimus, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid. I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? — FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FURIOUS IN DAYTON)

  You are being unreasonable. I have learned that male humans are genetically programmed to plant their seed into as many female receptacles as possible. This appears to be a biological imperative. You should also commend your husband on adding this woman to your cellular telephone family plan. This will free up monetary funds that can be utilized for ball-type games and orthodontics that his new children will require.

  UPDATE: I can not overstate the financial acumen that your husband possesses regarding the Family Plan. I have just received my latest cell phone bill via the Interweb. It appears as if Jazz frequently calls a charge number entitled 1-900-SHE-MALE. He assured me that this is research for a Decepticon plot. It is quite costly, but if not getting my monthly oil change means stopping Megatron, than I will gladly pay this extraordinarily expensive bill.

  This is the price we pay for freedom.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
• 

  Prime 2:32 pm on December 31, 2006 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Incompatible Religions, Jazz, Meddling Mother-In-Laws (2), Toasters (2), Weddings (6)   

  Love is Electrical 

  DEAR OPTIMUS:

  I am engaged to be married. The problem is that “Todd” and I come from different religions. I’m a Catholic and he is a Baptist. Todd refuses to even consider being married in a Catholic church and, because he won’t, I won’t get married in his. I really want a church wedding, and my mother doesn’t want me to be married in any other church.

  So, what do I do to get my perfect wedding?

  - Confused in Kentucky

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY)

  I had a similar conflict when Megatron reprogrammed our rechargers causing us to become evil. Luckily, Jazz and Bumblebee do not recharge, so that they were able to return us to our original settings in time to stop Megatron from stealing a solar-powered satellite. “Todd”, has most likely had his settings tampered with. Have a technically-oriented human friend create an Attitude Exchanger, which will cause him to revert back to the “Todd” you fell in love with. If an Attitude Exchanger is unavailable, drop a toaster into his bath — this should reverse his polarity.

  END TRANSMISSION