What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

Tagged: Divorce RSS

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  Prime 7:09 pm on February 27, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Divorce, Home Movies, Showering (2), Wheeljack   

  Ron Jeremy: Father of the Year 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I have been married for seven years. I was looking for a document on my computer recently and found some pornography my husband had downloaded. What was most shocking was that he had done some computer artwork on some of it, and superimposed my 15-year-old niece’s face onto the girl in the picture. I then went through my husband’s things and found a tape from our camcorder. He had hidden it in our bedroom and tried to videotape me after I had gotten out of the shower. I was not surprised. I had caught him trying to tape us having sex without my knowing last year. Is my husband a pervert with a serious problem? Please help me. I just don’t know what to do. — GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS)

  I have hacked into your husband’s computer and downloaded the files. All of the Autobots agree that your husband is terrible at Photoshop. You can clearly see that the skin tone color of your niece does not match the naked model. Wheeljack has created some high quality images with popular models from your US and People magazines. Please find enclosed your niece’s face superimposed on the body of Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Ryan Phillippe. I believe that your husband will have a difficult time finding the differences.

  You’re welcome.

  END TRANSMISSION

   

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  Prime 9:45 pm on February 12, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Divorce, Insecticons, Robot Lovemaking (2), Sparkplug (3), Spike (4), Toasters (2), Weddings (6)   

  The Marriage Reloaded 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My fiance, “Thornton,” and I are being married in two months. This is a second (and final) marriage for both of us. We dated for several years and went to counseling so that this marriage would last and our love would stay strong. We both have children from our first marriages who are excited about the wedding. Thornton and I are in disagreement, however, about whether or not to invite our ex-spouses — although we remain friendly with them. Please tell me the appropriate thing to do. — ABOUT TO BE WED IN HOUSTON

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (ABOUT TO BE WED)

  I will never understand you humans – you are more confusing than Transformers continuity. Generation 1, Generation 2, Optimus Primal, Japanese Headmasters, the Spike/Sparkplug controversy? How about this? I don’t care. Invite your ex-spouses, your ex-lovers, that toaster you slept with because you couldn’t stand to be alone for one more minute. I could care less. I’m going to dent my crotch against a Mack truck.

  END TRANSMISSION

  [Update: I apologize for the last post. My circuits were scrambled after a tiff with the Insecticons. They have been realigned]

   
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  Prime 10:36 pm on February 7, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Divorce, Sharkticons, Sparkplug (3), Women Drivers (2)   

  You Ruin Everything 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: Yesterday, while I was moving my husband’s treasured antique automobile, I got into a fender-bender. He is so upset he won’t talk to me. He says he wants a divorce and I should move out of the house. When I asked him why, he said, “You ruin everything. You make my life miserable, and I don’t enjoy anything because of you.”
  He never said anything like this before, and I am devastated. When I try to apologize, he says, “I don’t want to talk about it, just get out.” Help me, please. — DEVASTATED IN LITTLE ROCK

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (DEVASTED IN LITTLE ROCK)

  You damaged a car!? For all you know, it could’ve been a distant uncle of mine. I’m not the vengeful type, but consider yourself lucky he didn’t feed you to Sharkticons. If you ever want him to forgive you, I would advise you to invest in the two ch’s – champagne and chapstick, and start apologizing, if you know what I mean.

  Actually, I have no idea what I mean either…Sparkplug told me to write that.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 10:23 pm on February 6, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Cheating, Divorce, Jazz (4), Lousy Mothers   

  Can You Hear Me Now? Because I’m Leaving You 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand. Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Optimus, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid. I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? — FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FURIOUS IN DAYTON)

  You are being unreasonable. I have learned that male humans are genetically programmed to plant their seed into as many female receptacles as possible. This appears to be a biological imperative. You should also commend your husband on adding this woman to your cellular telephone family plan. This will free up monetary funds that can be utilized for ball-type games and orthodontics that his new children will require.

  UPDATE: I can not overstate the financial acumen that your husband possesses regarding the Family Plan. I have just received my latest cell phone bill via the Interweb. It appears as if Jazz frequently calls a charge number entitled 1-900-SHE-MALE. He assured me that this is research for a Decepticon plot. It is quite costly, but if not getting my monthly oil change means stopping Megatron, than I will gladly pay this extraordinarily expensive bill.

  This is the price we pay for freedom.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 10:06 pm on January 24, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Dinobots, Divorce, Showering (2)   

  Most Trivial Question Ever 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: Could you settle an argument between me and my husband? We’ve been married only four months. I get out of the shower and dry off, or walk into the bedroom to dry off. He says I should dry off in the shower. Who is correct? — ANN FROM FLORIDA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION (ANN FROM FLORIDA)

  Autobots do not shower, but I have seen the same problem when Grimlock comes out of Clean-O-Tron. Not only does it take 14 Autobots to get him in there, he often tracks greasy water all over Autobot Headquarters. It drives Jazz insane. I hope that this humorous anecdote provides a sufficient explanation to your question.

  END TRANSMISSION