What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

Tagged: Decepticon Plots RSS

• 

  Prime 5:35 am on March 28, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Constructicons, Decepticon Plots   

  Delaware Class War 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: We’re middle-class citizens who take care of our homes. Our lawns are neat and trimmed and our flower beds are weeded. Our “stuff” is kept in garages, sheds or in our homes. Last summer a new family moved into our neighborhood. It’s a mess. “Stuff” is all over the place (piles of junk left out over the winter). Since their property backs up to the main road, they don’t bother driving around the block to park — they drive through the yard! The tire ruts are now evident, and it detracts from our well-kept lawns. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. DUMPED ON IN DELAWARE

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (DUMPED ON IN DELAWARE)

  We recently had some new neighbors move into our neighborhood and I must say there were certainly some crossed circuits. How were we supposed to know that all that green construction equipment aren’t the Constructicons? Why would you humans build excavating machines that appear similar to evil robots? It is not well processed out.

  Below is a simulation of what might have happened to us. This should cover us in the court case that is now pending. Don’t try to tell me that a human child with glowing green eyes is normal.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   

  Reply Click here to cancel reply.

  You must be logged in to post a comment.

• 

  Prime 11:37 am on March 7, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Choking to Death, Decepticon Plots, Metal   

  Tastes Like Chicken 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: While eating in a restaurant today, I encountered a piece of coiled metal (maybe from the top of an opened can?) in my rice. When the waitress came back to the table, I showed the piece of metal to her. She apologized and started to take my plate away, but my friend stopped her and said: “Oh, wrap the rest of that up. I’ll take it home. I’m not so particular.” I was shocked, to say the least. Am I “too particular”? — “FINICKY” IN EUGENE, ORE.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FINICKY IN EUGENE)

  The answer to your query is “Yes. You are too particular.” I have found humans to be quite wasteful. That metal could have have contained precious elements that your fragile body needs. It might have even been a race of tiny Autobots that transform into random pieces of coiled metal and hide in sub-standard restaurant food. Your friend’s actions most likely foiled another Decepticon plot. Process that the next time you casually toss one of my friends into the garbage.

  END TRANSMISSION