What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

Tagged: Bumblebee RSS

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  Prime 9:37 pm on March 6, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee, Controlling the Weather, Jazz (4), Robot Lovemaking (2), Weddings (6)   

  More Robot Wedding Advice 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I live with a close friend. Recently a person who knows us both sent out invitations to his wedding. I received one; my housemate did not. Further, there is no “and guest” indicated on my invitation. I feel very uncomfortable about it — and more than a little miffed. What do you think? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK)

  I am a little surprised that you care. From my statistical research into weddings, the odds of your friends becoming divorced are about the same as Megatron attempting to create a machine that can control the weather, which is to say, quite a common occurrence. Marriages are faulty. The only exception to this claim to this is Jazz and Bumblebee. They will stay married forever. Because they are robots.

  END TRANSMISSION

   

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  Prime 9:47 pm on February 20, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee, Gay Marriage (2), Ironhide (2), Jazz (4), Pedophilia, Saved By The Bell, Weddings (6)   

  Creepy Knee Touching Dads 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: When my father and I are in his car and he’s taking me somewhere, he tries to scare me by touching my knee and saying, “BOO!” I have told him I don’t like it and asked him not to do it anymore, but he keeps on doing it. He thinks it’s funny, but I don’t. Am I overreacting? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH, ILL.

  
  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH)

  Do you think I wasn’t scared when Megatron blasted me in the chest? Do you think I wasn’t scared when I caught Ironhide huffing Energon while watching Saved by The Bell? Do you think I wasn’t scared when Jazz and Bumblebee announced that they were getting married?

  Well, I wasn’t scared. Because I never had that chip installed.

  So just be like me.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 11:08 pm on January 23, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee, Meddling Mother-In-Laws (2), Women Drivers (2)   

  Tots Gone Wild 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My son and daughter-in-law have a golf cart they allow their 6-year-old daughter, “Madison,” to drive. I feel that she is too little to control the vehicle. She can barely see above the steering wheel. there is a warning on the dashboard stating that a rollover could cause severe injury or death.

  When I speak up, I am met with rolled eyes and a curt reminder to mind my own business. Even my husband refuses to listen. I feel isolated in this situation. My husband offered no support when I expressed my concern and told me to stay out of it. I just want to avoid a potential tragedy without being “the meddling mother-in-law.” Am I overreacting? — SERIOUSLY WORRIED IN FLORIDA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (IGNORED IN CANADA)

  I hate to say it, but your family is right. You are making a cyber-mountain out of a cyber-molehill. If this human child injures itself with this “golf cart” and breaks an arm or leg, you can buy it a replacement limb. That’s what we did when Rawhide tore off Bumblebee’s leg while they were high on Energon.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 2:32 pm on December 31, 2006 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee, Incompatible Religions, Jazz (4), Meddling Mother-In-Laws (2), Toasters (2), Weddings (6)   

  Love is Electrical 

  DEAR OPTIMUS:

  I am engaged to be married. The problem is that “Todd” and I come from different religions. I’m a Catholic and he is a Baptist. Todd refuses to even consider being married in a Catholic church and, because he won’t, I won’t get married in his. I really want a church wedding, and my mother doesn’t want me to be married in any other church.

  So, what do I do to get my perfect wedding?

  - Confused in Kentucky

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY)

  I had a similar conflict when Megatron reprogrammed our rechargers causing us to become evil. Luckily, Jazz and Bumblebee do not recharge, so that they were able to return us to our original settings in time to stop Megatron from stealing a solar-powered satellite. “Todd”, has most likely had his settings tampered with. Have a technically-oriented human friend create an Attitude Exchanger, which will cause him to revert back to the “Todd” you fell in love with. If an Attitude Exchanger is unavailable, drop a toaster into his bath — this should reverse his polarity.

  END TRANSMISSION