Seize the Virgin
DEAR OPTIMUS: My boyfriend “Adam” and I are high school seniors. We have been serious for only three months, but we’ve been dating for more than a year. He is sexually experienced, but I am not — I’m still the “Big V.” On prom night, I want Adam to be my “first,” but because I have been disappointed in the past, I don’t want to be left heartbroken. I love Adam with all my heart — he’s all I want in a guy. But I feel torn about what to do. Should I go ahead and “seize the day”? Or should I make him wait? Please help! — TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE
BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE)
I was not sure what the code phrase “Big V” meant until Teletraan I’s extensive database identified you as one of the Visitors, a group of aliens bent on conquering Earth. Your alien love for the human “Adam” is touching and I wish you goodwill with your mating endeavors.
But if you ever try to repeat your 1984 invasion, know that the Autobots will be there to stop you.
I have also included a lovely recipe for hamster pie.
END TRANSMISSION