What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

Posts Mentioning RSS Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

• 

  Prime 3:52 pm on April 5, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Babies, Greyhound Bus Whores, Zamboni   

  Making Babies With Sherman 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I am 21 and have been going out with an older man (17 years older) I’ll call “Sherman” for about a year. He and I are having a baby together in three months. I don’t know if I want to be with Sherman anymore. He keeps telling me that if I want to be with someone more my age — which I do — I should break off before things get worse. He says he’d rather be heartbroken now than have me tell him later that I have found someone else. My friends tell me that if I don’t want to be with Sherman, I should just tell him and go on my way. What do you think I should do? — CONFUSED IN MAINE

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (CONFUSED IN MAINE)

  I myself had what you humans term a “May-December” romance and it will end in the cracking of your fleshy heart mechanism. She was a thirty-two year old greyhound bus that you could rest a case of motor oil on her rear bumper. In the end, there were too many differences. I wanted to provide freedom to all sentient beings. She wanted to get her tailpipe stuffed by every Autobot at the base. I had to let her go, which I did, after she ran of with a Zamboni.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   

  Reply Click here to cancel reply.

  You must be logged in to post a comment.

• 

  Prime 2:40 pm on April 4, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: "V", hamsters, Teletraan I   

  Seize the Virgin 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My boyfriend “Adam” and I are high school seniors. We have been serious for only three months, but we’ve been dating for more than a year. He is sexually experienced, but I am not — I’m still the “Big V.” On prom night, I want Adam to be my “first,” but because I have been disappointed in the past, I don’t want to be left heartbroken. I love Adam with all my heart — he’s all I want in a guy. But I feel torn about what to do. Should I go ahead and “seize the day”? Or should I make him wait? Please help! — TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE)

  I was not sure what the code phrase “Big V” meant until Teletraan I’s extensive database identified you as one of the Visitors, a group of aliens bent on conquering Earth. Your alien love for the human “Adam” is touching and I wish you goodwill with your mating endeavors.

  But if you ever try to repeat your 1984 invasion, know that the Autobots will be there to stop you.

  I have also included a lovely recipe for hamster pie.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   
• 

  Prime 5:00 am on April 2, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Logic (2), Matrix of Leadership, Stan Bush (2), Teenagers   

  I Feel Empty Inside 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I’m 19 and dropped out of college in December 2005. After years of going through honors classes, I felt like I had nothing left. My brain was on cruise control. I was present but my mind wasn’t. I’d go to class and feel like a shell. I have dreams of what I want out of life — a mansion, a nice car, money in the bank — but I don’t necessarily have to go to college to achieve that. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I feel like I don’t know who I am. So my question is, how should I go about finding myself? — NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO)

  I had an approximate robot sentiment in my youth. By the age of 425,000 I still had not calculated the ultimate goal of my programming. Then the Matrix of Leadership was inserted into my chest and that solved the bulk of my queries. I would suggest that resolution — if you can find a Matrix of Leadership, which you won’t, because I have the only one, and I need it to save the entire universe from complete and total annihilation.

  I did let the human Stan Bush touch the Matrix once, and he created a film documentary so powerful that I can only let you watch it at an extremely low streaming resolution or it will make your organic brain explode. Behold, the awesome power of the Matrix:

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer