What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

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  Prime 5:13 am on March 30, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Clapping, Dismemberment, Father Issues, Sparkplug (3)   

  Etiquette in Public 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: In one of my college classes, the professor was adamant about not clapping in the middle of a live theater performance. He said clapping interrupts the performers and should be done only at the end of each piece. Yet every time I attend a concert or ballet, the audience claps after each dance, song or sometimes even a fancy move. What is proper etiquette at a live performance? — LAUREN IN CAVE CREEK, ARIZ.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (LAUREN IN CAVE CREEK)

  Your human trait of clapping is quite intriguing to me. In the course of my research I believe that I have an answered your century old philosophical quandary: “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” I conducted an experiment with Sparkplug by removing one of his limbs and commanded him to clap. I am delighted to report that the sound of one hand clapping is a scream of pain.

  Do not worry about Sparkplug’s distress over dismemberment. I replaced his missing hand with a robotic one.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   

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  Prime 5:59 am on March 29, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Paris Hilton, Parties (2), Reflector, Spike (4)   

  How To Party Like A Robot 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My best friend and I are having a big mutual birthday party. It’s going to be a big bash with lots of people, lots of drinking and, of course, the possibility that others may bring drugs. We plan on inviting all our friends. However, we have a few friends who no longer live that kind of lifestyle. Do we still invite our sober friends to this gathering? What do you think? — FRIEND IN NEED IN CALIFORNIA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FRIEND IN NEED)

  Your human bodies seem to have little tolerance to alcohol and drugs. At the last party I attended, I met a delightful young woman who two drinks later began to spasm on top of a table and squeal out her hotness quotient. Reflector was able to capture some photos of her devolution before she disappeared with Spike to make a feature film. I am still eagerly awaiting its release.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   
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  Prime 5:35 am on March 28, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Constructicons, Decepticon Plots (2)   

  Delaware Class War 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: We’re middle-class citizens who take care of our homes. Our lawns are neat and trimmed and our flower beds are weeded. Our “stuff” is kept in garages, sheds or in our homes. Last summer a new family moved into our neighborhood. It’s a mess. “Stuff” is all over the place (piles of junk left out over the winter). Since their property backs up to the main road, they don’t bother driving around the block to park — they drive through the yard! The tire ruts are now evident, and it detracts from our well-kept lawns. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. DUMPED ON IN DELAWARE

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (DUMPED ON IN DELAWARE)

  We recently had some new neighbors move into our neighborhood and I must say there were certainly some crossed circuits. How were we supposed to know that all that green construction equipment aren’t the Constructicons? Why would you humans build excavating machines that appear similar to evil robots? It is not well processed out.

  Below is a simulation of what might have happened to us. This should cover us in the court case that is now pending. Don’t try to tell me that a human child with glowing green eyes is normal.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   
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  Prime 6:31 pm on March 27, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Armageddon, Ben Affleck, Gay Marriage (2), Michael Bay, Weddings (6)   

  Restroom Love 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I am in a very awkward situation. I was married last week and am very happy with my new husband, “Ralph.” However, when people ask, “Where did you two meet?” that’s when the glamour shatters. Ralph and I met in a public restroom in a very rundown area that we happened to be vacationing in. Should I just tell them the town? — NEWLYWED IN THE BATHROOM

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (NEWLYWED IN THE BATHROOM)

  I have a situation that is 23.747% similar. When I first met Michael Bay, he mentioned that he created Armageddon. I thought he meant the Interstellar Armageddon of Planet BX12 which destroyed the entire known population of sentient bananas in the universe. I brought him 20,000 light years to stand before an intergalactic tribune before he convinced me that he only created Armageddon…the Movie. Talk about awkward.

  I really do miss those fun loving bananas.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   
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  Prime 5:42 am on March 26, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Spike (4), Wild Dogs   

  Tuffy the Turkey Murdering Dog 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My husband and I feel terrible. Our dog just killed the next-door farmer’s young turkey. We saw “Tuffy” running away, dragging the bird in his mouth. What is the proper way to make this up to the farmer? — EMBARRASSED IN LIBERTY, S.C.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (EMBARRASSED IN LIBERTY)

  Over the course of my research for homicidal dogs (which only took 0.0012 milliseconds to cover 3,000,000 bytes of data) I came across a film in which a young teenager must terminate his yellow dog. I would recommend this course of action. To complete this goal you will need a young man of about sixteen, an old barn with a corral, and a shotgun.

  If you do not possess a teenager, Spike has offered his services. He told me he likes to shoot dogs because it fills the empty place inside of his heart. And because he likes to shoot dogs.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

   
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  Prime 8:13 pm on March 14, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Engine Oil, Georgia, Masterbation, Meddling Mothers   

  Getting the Microwave Off 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My parents come to visit about once every two months. My mother is very nosy. She uses the excuse that she is “cleaning” to snoop. The last time she was here, she “did my laundry,” and when Dad and I got home, my personal lubricant was sitting on my microwave! I was so embarrassed. I am 33 years old, and I am tired of her leaving my personal stuff out to let me know she knows I have it. What do I do? — MISS T. IN DACULA, GA.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (MISS T. IN DACULA)

  I am registering confusion that you are embarrassed about using lubricant. Perhaps your embarrassment stems from using a generic brand. I would recommend clicking here for a high quality lube that will keep your pistons running smoothly.

  END TRANSMISSION

  Click Here to See Megatron’s Answer

   
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  Prime 5:44 am on March 8, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Fashion Tips   

  The Most Earth Shattering Question Ever 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I know my question may not seem earth-shaking in comparison with many of the questions that appear in your column. However, my best friend and I were wondering if you could settle an argument. Should a short person wear ankle-length skirts? — FIVE-FOOT-TWO IN ILLINOIS

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FIVE FOOT TWO)

  Yes.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 11:37 am on March 7, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Choking to Death, Decepticon Plots (2), Metal   

  Tastes Like Chicken 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: While eating in a restaurant today, I encountered a piece of coiled metal (maybe from the top of an opened can?) in my rice. When the waitress came back to the table, I showed the piece of metal to her. She apologized and started to take my plate away, but my friend stopped her and said: “Oh, wrap the rest of that up. I’ll take it home. I’m not so particular.” I was shocked, to say the least. Am I “too particular”? — “FINICKY” IN EUGENE, ORE.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FINICKY IN EUGENE)

  The answer to your query is “Yes. You are too particular.” I have found humans to be quite wasteful. That metal could have have contained precious elements that your fragile body needs. It might have even been a race of tiny Autobots that transform into random pieces of coiled metal and hide in sub-standard restaurant food. Your friend’s actions most likely foiled another Decepticon plot. Process that the next time you casually toss one of my friends into the garbage.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 9:37 pm on March 6, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Controlling the Weather, Jazz (4), Robot Lovemaking (2), Weddings (6)   

  More Robot Wedding Advice 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I live with a close friend. Recently a person who knows us both sent out invitations to his wedding. I received one; my housemate did not. Further, there is no “and guest” indicated on my invitation. I feel very uncomfortable about it — and more than a little miffed. What do you think? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN NEW YORK)

  I am a little surprised that you care. From my statistical research into weddings, the odds of your friends becoming divorced are about the same as Megatron attempting to create a machine that can control the weather, which is to say, quite a common occurrence. Marriages are faulty. The only exception to this claim to this is Jazz and Bumblebee. They will stay married forever. Because they are robots.

  END TRANSMISSION