What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

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  Prime 10:12 pm on February 28, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Fire, Parties (2), Spike (4)   

  Burn, Burn, Burn 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: This is the scenario: A few friends were exchanging gifts and having a dinner party. During dinner, some decorations around a candle caught fire and a few gifts burned before the fire was discovered. One of them was my gift to a friend who was attending the dinner. Should I buy another gift to give my friend? What would be the right thing to do? — UNSURE IN VIENNA, VA.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNSURE IN VIENNA)

  Fire is quite dangerous to humans. I did not know that until I threw a pile of hot coals at Spike in a human gesture of playfulness. I even dictated the whimsical phrase: “Think quick!” You can imagine my surprise when Spike’s hair caught on fire. On the positive side, I was able to add “third degree burns” to my knowledge database.

  END TRANSMISSION

   

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  Prime 7:09 pm on February 27, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Divorce (5), Home Movies, Showering (2), Wheeljack   

  Ron Jeremy: Father of the Year 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I have been married for seven years. I was looking for a document on my computer recently and found some pornography my husband had downloaded. What was most shocking was that he had done some computer artwork on some of it, and superimposed my 15-year-old niece’s face onto the girl in the picture. I then went through my husband’s things and found a tape from our camcorder. He had hidden it in our bedroom and tried to videotape me after I had gotten out of the shower. I was not surprised. I had caught him trying to tape us having sex without my knowing last year. Is my husband a pervert with a serious problem? Please help me. I just don’t know what to do. — GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS)

  I have hacked into your husband’s computer and downloaded the files. All of the Autobots agree that your husband is terrible at Photoshop. You can clearly see that the skin tone color of your niece does not match the naked model. Wheeljack has created some high quality images with popular models from your US and People magazines. Please find enclosed your niece’s face superimposed on the body of Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Ryan Phillippe. I believe that your husband will have a difficult time finding the differences.

  You’re welcome.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 10:25 pm on February 22, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Insecure Humans (2), Logic (2), Mating   

  Cockteasing Craig 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I have a friend, “Craig,” whom I have known almost a year. We have become closer than friends in a lot of ways — except the one way that counts, if you know what I mean. Craig likes to tease me about sex, but says it will never happen because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. Do you think it’s fair for him to arouse me and then just run out the door? Craig says he doesn’t want me, but when I go out on dates with other people he gets mad. How should I handle this? — IRRITATED IN GEORGIA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (IRRITATED IN GEORGIA)

  I actually do not know “the one way that counts,” but I see that later in your question that you mean “the one way that counts” to be sex. I am registering a confusion pattern as to why you just didn’t say sex in the first place instead of using additional binary characters to lose me in a circular logic loop. If you can’t ask a simple question, don’t expect an answer from Optimus Prime.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 9:47 pm on February 20, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Gay Marriage (2), Ironhide (2), Jazz (4), Pedophilia, Saved By The Bell, Weddings (6)   

  Creepy Knee Touching Dads 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: When my father and I are in his car and he’s taking me somewhere, he tries to scare me by touching my knee and saying, “BOO!” I have told him I don’t like it and asked him not to do it anymore, but he keeps on doing it. He thinks it’s funny, but I don’t. Am I overreacting? — UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH, ILL.

  
  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (UNCOMFORTABLE IN MONMOUTH)

  Do you think I wasn’t scared when Megatron blasted me in the chest? Do you think I wasn’t scared when I caught Ironhide huffing Energon while watching Saved by The Bell? Do you think I wasn’t scared when Jazz and Bumblebee announced that they were getting married?

  Well, I wasn’t scared. Because I never had that chip installed.

  So just be like me.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 5:05 am on February 19, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Meddling Daughter In Laws, Old Men, Rotting Meat   

  Eat the Meat 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My father-in-law was born during the Depression. My question is, what is a safe amount of time to be able to eat meat from the freezer? We have noticed items that are more than 5 years old that my father-in-law insists are still good, “… you just cut off the freezer burn.” We’re afraid he’s going to poison himself. — CONCERNED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, WELLINGTON, COLO.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (COCERNED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW)

  I have taken the data from your question and extroplated that your father is well into his seventies. Cross referencing this information with the standard actuarial tables of human life spans, leads me to the conclusion that your father will be dead by the end of the month whether or not he eats this meat.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 9:37 am on February 16, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bad Boyfriends, Insecure Humans (2), Racism (2)   

  Sister On Sister 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I am 21, and my sister “Callie” is 23. I’m having a problem with her boyfriend, “Jared.” When he comes to our house, he constantly belittles me. He calls me names and makes degrading comments about my intelligence, my weight, and just about anything else you can think of. I feel Callie should be the one to tell him he’s out of line, but she refuses. She says I’m being “too sensitive,” and I should accept Jared because he’s a part of her life. My family is planning a trip in a few weeks, and I know Callie will want to bring Jared. What’s the best way to tell my family I won’t be able to attend the outing this year? — HURT IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (HURT IN SACRAMENTO)

  Perhaps “Jared” is merely stating facts. Is your IQ sub-par? Does your weight not fall within the proper human range for your height and age? If this is the case, than “Jared” is merely telling the truth. And I for one, will commend him. Speaking truth is the Autobot way.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 1:56 pm on February 13, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bizzare Iillness, Midwest   

  Cold Hands 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I have cold hands. Because of a medical condition, my hands are either icy from cranked-up air conditioning in the summer or from freezing temperatures in the winter. I hate shaking hands with people because it’s like asking them to hold a block of ice. Should I say something as I’m shaking hands, or should I avoid bringing attention to it and comment only if the other person says something? — ICE PRINCESS IN THE MIDWEST

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (ICE PRINCESS)

  Just rub your tailpipe five or six times before you shake their hand. If you don’t have a tailpipe, I have noticed that human models emanate quite a bit of heat from their reproductive organs. Use that! Make sure to make eye contact or your gesture might be misunderstood. This should allow you to enjoy life.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 9:45 pm on February 12, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Divorce (5), Insecticons, Robot Lovemaking (2), Sparkplug (3), Spike (4), Toasters (2), Weddings (6)   

  The Marriage Reloaded 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My fiance, “Thornton,” and I are being married in two months. This is a second (and final) marriage for both of us. We dated for several years and went to counseling so that this marriage would last and our love would stay strong. We both have children from our first marriages who are excited about the wedding. Thornton and I are in disagreement, however, about whether or not to invite our ex-spouses — although we remain friendly with them. Please tell me the appropriate thing to do. — ABOUT TO BE WED IN HOUSTON

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (ABOUT TO BE WED)

  I will never understand you humans – you are more confusing than Transformers continuity. Generation 1, Generation 2, Optimus Primal, Japanese Headmasters, the Spike/Sparkplug controversy? How about this? I don’t care. Invite your ex-spouses, your ex-lovers, that toaster you slept with because you couldn’t stand to be alone for one more minute. I could care less. I’m going to dent my crotch against a Mack truck.

  END TRANSMISSION

  [Update: I apologize for the last post. My circuits were scrambled after a tiff with the Insecticons. They have been realigned]

   
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  Prime 10:36 pm on February 7, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Divorce (5), Sharkticons, Sparkplug (3), Women Drivers (2)   

  You Ruin Everything 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: Yesterday, while I was moving my husband’s treasured antique automobile, I got into a fender-bender. He is so upset he won’t talk to me. He says he wants a divorce and I should move out of the house. When I asked him why, he said, “You ruin everything. You make my life miserable, and I don’t enjoy anything because of you.”
  He never said anything like this before, and I am devastated. When I try to apologize, he says, “I don’t want to talk about it, just get out.” Help me, please. — DEVASTATED IN LITTLE ROCK

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (DEVASTED IN LITTLE ROCK)

  You damaged a car!? For all you know, it could’ve been a distant uncle of mine. I’m not the vengeful type, but consider yourself lucky he didn’t feed you to Sharkticons. If you ever want him to forgive you, I would advise you to invest in the two ch’s – champagne and chapstick, and start apologizing, if you know what I mean.

  Actually, I have no idea what I mean either…Sparkplug told me to write that.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 10:23 pm on February 6, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Cheating, Divorce (5), Jazz (4), Lousy Mothers   

  Can You Hear Me Now? Because I’m Leaving You 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: I accidentally found out that my husband had bought a cell phone for another woman (on OUR family plan!) and has been calling her three to five times a day, sometimes hiding in our garage or waiting until I leave the house on an errand. Also, he has been baby-sitting her son in his office every day after school. Optimus, this woman does not even have a job. She is just too lazy to pick up her kid. I told him to get rid of her or I am leaving. Am I being unreasonable? — FURIOUS IN DAYTON, MINN.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FURIOUS IN DAYTON)

  You are being unreasonable. I have learned that male humans are genetically programmed to plant their seed into as many female receptacles as possible. This appears to be a biological imperative. You should also commend your husband on adding this woman to your cellular telephone family plan. This will free up monetary funds that can be utilized for ball-type games and orthodontics that his new children will require.

  UPDATE: I can not overstate the financial acumen that your husband possesses regarding the Family Plan. I have just received my latest cell phone bill via the Interweb. It appears as if Jazz frequently calls a charge number entitled 1-900-SHE-MALE. He assured me that this is research for a Decepticon plot. It is quite costly, but if not getting my monthly oil change means stopping Megatron, than I will gladly pay this extraordinarily expensive bill.

  This is the price we pay for freedom.

  END TRANSMISSION