What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

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  Prime 8:33 am on January 26, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Crap, Go-Bots, Racism (2)   

  How Robots Deal With Racism 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: What do you do when your partner is verbally abusive? When he gets mad at me, he calls me a racially insulting name, and I’m not even black. I’m Hispanic. I wasn’t raised to talk to anyone like that, and it really bothers me that my partner feels that way about them and me. What am I supposed to do? — LISA IN LOS ANGELES

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (LISA IN LOS ANGELES)

  I so used to have the same problem with Starscream. He used to call me Craptimus Prime or Leader-1. So I shot him. Violence is wrong. But seriously, I don’t even look like a Go-Bot. Or human excrement.

  END TRANMISSION

   

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  Prime 10:20 pm on January 25, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Annoying People, Annoying Robots, Blur, Cybertron   

  How to Handle Movie Talkers Without Violence 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: Last night my wife and I went to a movie. A man in our row was talking, so I “shushed” him, but he continued to talk, ruining the movie for us. What is the best way to handle someone talking during a movie? Thanks! — JIM IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (JIM IN OVERLAND PARK, KAN.)

  I often have the same problem while I am trying to communicate with Cyberton and Blur talks incessantly into my auditory receptor. I usually just have him disconnected until I am done. There should be a switch located on the torso region of this human that will turn off his amplification speakers.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 10:06 pm on January 24, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Dinobots, Divorce (5), Showering (2)   

  Most Trivial Question Ever 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: Could you settle an argument between me and my husband? We’ve been married only four months. I get out of the shower and dry off, or walk into the bedroom to dry off. He says I should dry off in the shower. Who is correct? — ANN FROM FLORIDA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION (ANN FROM FLORIDA)

  Autobots do not shower, but I have seen the same problem when Grimlock comes out of Clean-O-Tron. Not only does it take 14 Autobots to get him in there, he often tracks greasy water all over Autobot Headquarters. It drives Jazz insane. I hope that this humorous anecdote provides a sufficient explanation to your question.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 11:08 pm on January 23, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Meddling Mother-In-Laws (2), Women Drivers (2)   

  Tots Gone Wild 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: My son and daughter-in-law have a golf cart they allow their 6-year-old daughter, “Madison,” to drive. I feel that she is too little to control the vehicle. She can barely see above the steering wheel. there is a warning on the dashboard stating that a rollover could cause severe injury or death.

  When I speak up, I am met with rolled eyes and a curt reminder to mind my own business. Even my husband refuses to listen. I feel isolated in this situation. My husband offered no support when I expressed my concern and told me to stay out of it. I just want to avoid a potential tragedy without being “the meddling mother-in-law.” Am I overreacting? — SERIOUSLY WORRIED IN FLORIDA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (IGNORED IN CANADA)

  I hate to say it, but your family is right. You are making a cyber-mountain out of a cyber-molehill. If this human child injures itself with this “golf cart” and breaks an arm or leg, you can buy it a replacement limb. That’s what we did when Rawhide tore off Bumblebee’s leg while they were high on Energon.

  END TRANSMISSION

   
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  Prime 10:46 pm on January 22, 2007 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Alcohol, Blaster, Energon, Stan Bush (2)   

  Drunk Robots 

  DEAR OPTIMUS: Is it true what people say while drunk, or not? Does alcohol cause one’s true feelings to come out? — LINDA IN CRESTVIEW, FLA.

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION (LINDA IN CRESTVIEW, FLA.)

  I know whatever I say when I’ve had a few extra cubes of Energon I can be a bit off-kilter. Usually when Blaster replays the tapes the next morning it turns out that I have said too much “truth.” I should point out while the energon does lower inhibitions, it does not make the inherent information any more true.

  Blaster is also telling me that I make him repeatedly play the following music video and make the bold claim that Stan Bush is the greatest rock star in the universe.

  END TRANSMISSION