What Would Optimus Do? Advice from the Transformers

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  Prime 2:37 pm on December 31, 2006 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Slave Labor, Ultra Magnus   

  Problems at the Office 

  DEAR OPTIMUS:
  I’m in a real bind. I have an employee who decides on her own hours even when a schedule is posted every month. Some days, she doesn’t show up for work at all, and other times she leaves before her shift is over.

  When I confront her about it, she gets angry and threatens me with, “I’m going to phone Labor Standards on you!” Can she be fired for this kind of behavior?
  – IGNORED IN CANADA

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (IGNORED IN CANADA)

  I have consulted with Ultra Magnus, the director of Autobot Robot Resources, and he and I agree on this issue, just as we agree on everything else. Tell your employee that she will be on time for work and come for her full shifts, or she will be sent to the Nighteth Slave Mines on Galganeth Seven for a few months. This is what we do with reluctant Autobots, and it works wonders.

  END TRANSMISSION

   

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  Prime 2:32 pm on December 31, 2006 Permalink | Log in to leave a Comment
  Tags: Bumblebee (4), Incompatible Religions, Jazz (4), Meddling Mother-In-Laws (2), Toasters (2), Weddings (6)   

  Love is Electrical 

  DEAR OPTIMUS:

  I am engaged to be married. The problem is that “Todd” and I come from different religions. I’m a Catholic and he is a Baptist. Todd refuses to even consider being married in a Catholic church and, because he won’t, I won’t get married in his. I really want a church wedding, and my mother doesn’t want me to be married in any other church.

  So, what do I do to get my perfect wedding?

  - Confused in Kentucky

  BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY)

  I had a similar conflict when Megatron reprogrammed our rechargers causing us to become evil. Luckily, Jazz and Bumblebee do not recharge, so that they were able to return us to our original settings in time to stop Megatron from stealing a solar-powered satellite. “Todd”, has most likely had his settings tampered with. Have a technically-oriented human friend create an Attitude Exchanger, which will cause him to revert back to the “Todd” you fell in love with. If an Attitude Exchanger is unavailable, drop a toaster into his bath — this should reverse his polarity.

  END TRANSMISSION