DEAR OPTIMUS: My husband is threatening to leave and my 9-year-old daughter is distraught because I am embarrassed about our home and our cars. We live in an affluent suburb, but we’re not one of the rich families. My daughter wants to invite friends from school over, but I’m mortified about their parents seeing our home or cars.

I know these things shouldn’t matter. I love my husband, but he says I’m ruining our daughter’s self-esteem and disrespecting him by being embarrassed by a life he works hard to provide. What’s wrong with me, and how can I get past this? I don’t want to lose my family. — EMBARRASSED IN OHIO

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: (EMBARRASSED IN OHIO)
I can understand being embarrassed by your surroundings, especially if you don’t feel they measure up to your neighbors’. And my logic processors may be faulty (I recently found out I have birds nesting in there), but I believe you are on the right track to let your husband leave, therefore turning your nine year old into a friendless, fatherless creature. Who would want to allow a group of nine year old girls (notoriously judgmental beasts themselves) to see this horrible pit in which you squat? You’re proving a point, and that point is that you’re embarrassed by the house your husband works his fingers to the bone to provide, but you’re not too embarrassed to drive away the only man who will probably ever put up with you, much less love you, and go from a single-income home to a no-income home. That takes a level of dedication to low self esteem I have rarely seen in recent days, and believe me, it was missed. Good on you, Embarrassed. If I could slow clap over the Interwebs, I would.

END TRANSMISSION
See Megatron’s Answer
See Dear Abby’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: My husband and I have attended several weddings lately where we have waited up to an hour and a half for the bride and groom to arrive at their own reception. Can you enlighten me because, frankly, I am … ONE CONFUSED GUEST, LEWIS CENTER, OHIO

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: (ONE CONFUSED GUEST, LEWIS CENTER, OHIO)
I am not surprised you are confused about wedding etiquette, because frankly, you are a moron. Why are you putting so much stock into a busted institution when there are so many problems in the world? How about you stop thinking about your stupid little taffeta dress, your matching shoes, and whatever else you do to try to cover up the lumpy nodule you call a body (in my opinion, the human pictured is the only one with any fashion sense), and worry about the fact you’re watching two human beings throw their lives away on an institution that has never made sense? How about that? I need to go shoot something.

[A NOTE FROM OPTIMUS: Wow, sorry about that above post. We recently found out Megatron sent Laserbeak to scramble my neural circuits in an attempt to sabotage my column. I am leaving the post as I originally wrote it to show Megatron he cannot hope to disrupt me. Also, I agree with the overall sentiment, if not the wording.]
END TRANSMISSION

See Megatron’s Answer
See Dear Abby’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: I am a gay man who has been with my partner for 31 years. I have a female friend, “Josie,” whom I have known for years. She holds an executive position in the local bank and must attend many fund-raisers. I have been her escort to many of them. Josie knows and likes my partner, and he has never had a problem with my going to these social events with her.

Recently Josie became engaged, and she is now married. I was invited to the wedding, but my partner was not included on the invitation. I chose not to attend because of it. I have not heard from her since. It has been almost four months.

Josie’s husband is a retired military man. I suspect she would rather not let him know about having a gay male couple as friends. Should I confront her or just end the friendship? — DON’T ASK OR TELL IN ALBUQUERQUE

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (DON’T ASK OR TELL IN ALBUQUERQUE)
I have been monitoring the earthly transmissions you humans call “movies” with my good friend Spike, and based on our most recent research I believe you may have a case of the “Mondays.” You should “quit” your job, get “drunk,” and infect your company’s “database” with a virus to shave fractions of a cent off each transaction. Then you should burn the place down and move to a tropical island. I really don’t understand you humans. By the way, what does gay mean?

END TRANSMISSION
See Megatron’s Answer
See Dear Abby’s Answer

DEAR ABBY OPTIMUS: My mother is 66 and has had two major epileptic seizures. She also has “minor” seizures that last only 30 to 60 seconds. I have seen them. Her doctor has told her not to drive and that it’s against the law in our state for her to drive until she has been seizure-free for six months. The problem is, Mom and her husband believe she can drive safely. She even bought a new car so she can get “better gas mileage.” I lost a brother in a car accident. I don’t want to lose my mother in one, too. I’m also afraid for the safety of pedestrians and other drivers in her path. What can I do or say to get Mom to follow the doctor’s orders?– WORRIED IN THE WEST

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (WORRIED IN THE WEST)

We had a similar problem with human Chip Chase, a friend of Spike’s. He was constantly losing control of his wheelchair and running into all sorts of things – piles of Energon, Jazz’s fender, Sparkplug’s collection of “Daddy magazines.” Eventually, we had Ratchet scan his brain and found out it had accidentally been turned into antimatter while he was working on one of his experiments. Boy were our faces red when we found that out!

Has your mother had any run-ins with black holes recently? I am sure you do not have access to the same technology we do, but you can achieve the same results with a quick power drill trepanation.
END TRANSMISSION

See Megatron’s Answer
See Dear Abby’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: I am 21 and have been going out with an older man (17 years older) I’ll call “Sherman” for about a year. He and I are having a baby together in three months. I don’t know if I want to be with Sherman anymore. He keeps telling me that if I want to be with someone more my age — which I do — I should break off before things get worse. He says he’d rather be heartbroken now than have me tell him later that I have found someone else. My friends tell me that if I don’t want to be with Sherman, I should just tell him and go on my way. What do you think I should do? — CONFUSED IN MAINE

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (CONFUSED IN MAINE)

I myself had what you humans term a “May-December” romance and it will end in the cracking of your fleshy heart mechanism. She was a thirty-two year old greyhound bus that you could rest a case of motor oil on her rear bumper. In the end, there were too many differences. I wanted to provide freedom to all sentient beings. She wanted to get her tailpipe stuffed by every Autobot at the base. I had to let her go, which I did, after she ran of with a Zamboni.

END TRANSMISSION

Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: My boyfriend “Adam” and I are high school seniors. We have been serious for only three months, but we’ve been dating for more than a year. He is sexually experienced, but I am not — I’m still the “Big V.” On prom night, I want Adam to be my “first,” but because I have been disappointed in the past, I don’t want to be left heartbroken. I love Adam with all my heart — he’s all I want in a guy. But I feel torn about what to do. Should I go ahead and “seize the day”? Or should I make him wait? Please help! — TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE)

I was not sure what the code phrase “Big V” meant until Teletraan I’s extensive database identified you as one of the Visitors, a group of aliens bent on conquering Earth. Your alien love for the human “Adam” is touching and I wish you goodwill with your mating endeavors.

But if you ever try to repeat your 1984 invasion, know that the Autobots will be there to stop you.

I have also included a lovely recipe for hamster pie.

END TRANSMISSION

Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: I’m 19 and dropped out of college in December 2005. After years of going through honors classes, I felt like I had nothing left. My brain was on cruise control. I was present but my mind wasn’t. I’d go to class and feel like a shell. I have dreams of what I want out of life — a mansion, a nice car, money in the bank — but I don’t necessarily have to go to college to achieve that. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I feel like I don’t know who I am. So my question is, how should I go about finding myself? — NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (NEEDS HELP IN CHICAGO)

I had an approximate robot sentiment in my youth. By the age of 425,000 I still had not calculated the ultimate goal of my programming. Then the Matrix of Leadership was inserted into my chest and that solved the bulk of my queries. I would suggest that resolution — if you can find a Matrix of Leadership, which you won’t, because I have the only one, and I need it to save the entire universe from complete and total annihilation.

I did let the human Stan Bush touch the Matrix once, and he created a film documentary so powerful that I can only let you watch it at an extremely low streaming resolution or it will make your organic brain explode. Behold, the awesome power of the Matrix:

END TRANSMISSION

Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: In one of my college classes, the professor was adamant about not clapping in the middle of a live theater performance. He said clapping interrupts the performers and should be done only at the end of each piece. Yet every time I attend a concert or ballet, the audience claps after each dance, song or sometimes even a fancy move. What is proper etiquette at a live performance? — LAUREN IN CAVE CREEK, ARIZ.

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (LAUREN IN CAVE CREEK)

Your human trait of clapping is quite intriguing to me. In the course of my research I believe that I have an answered your century old philosophical quandary: “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” I conducted an experiment with Sparkplug by removing one of his limbs and commanded him to clap. I am delighted to report that the sound of one hand clapping is a scream of pain.

Do not worry about Sparkplug’s distress over dismemberment. I replaced his missing hand with a robotic one.

END TRANSMISSION

Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: My best friend and I are having a big mutual birthday party. It’s going to be a big bash with lots of people, lots of drinking and, of course, the possibility that others may bring drugs. We plan on inviting all our friends. However, we have a few friends who no longer live that kind of lifestyle. Do we still invite our sober friends to this gathering? What do you think? — FRIEND IN NEED IN CALIFORNIA

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (FRIEND IN NEED)

Your human bodies seem to have little tolerance to alcohol and drugs. At the last party I attended, I met a delightful young woman who two drinks later began to spasm on top of a table and squeal out her hotness quotient. Reflector was able to capture some photos of her devolution before she disappeared with Spike to make a feature film. I am still eagerly awaiting its release.

END TRANSMISSION

Click here to See Megatron’s Answer

DEAR OPTIMUS: We’re middle-class citizens who take care of our homes. Our lawns are neat and trimmed and our flower beds are weeded. Our “stuff” is kept in garages, sheds or in our homes. Last summer a new family moved into our neighborhood. It’s a mess. “Stuff” is all over the place (piles of junk left out over the winter). Since their property backs up to the main road, they don’t bother driving around the block to park — they drive through the yard! The tire ruts are now evident, and it detracts from our well-kept lawns. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. DUMPED ON IN DELAWARE

BEGIN TRANSMISSION: DESTINATION (DUMPED ON IN DELAWARE)

We recently had some new neighbors move into our neighborhood and I must say there were certainly some crossed circuits. How were we supposed to know that all that green construction equipment aren’t the Constructicons? Why would you humans build excavating machines that appear similar to evil robots? It is not well processed out.

Below is a simulation of what might have happened to us. This should cover us in the court case that is now pending. Don’t try to tell me that a human child with glowing green eyes is normal.

END TRANSMISSION

Click here to See Megatron’s Answer